Saturday, November 04, 2000

Wow. An afternoon post. This is just a testament at how bored I am. I should be reading Machiavelli's The Prince but, yet, I have no true motivation to read it. Anyway.... My friend Jessica helped me get my stupid counter up (look to your left under the links to the archives). So, much thanks to her and her plaid skirt that barely covers the ultra sexy tights. Shhhhh.....
I'm still dealing with getting over this girl. My friend came by and helped me dissect the situation. The truth behind this physical relationship is due to the lack of emotional support that I is rampant in my life. Maybe I have not found my moment of Zen yet. Not yet. I just don't see why things don't EVER work out... you know? After a while, you'd think that you'd learn better than to fall in love with girls who end up playing your heart. Don't you get a radar with your membership into the I've-Been-Screwed-Over-Too-Many-Times Club? And it feels like she is dodging me. We have this pseudo friendship thing going, were she "misses talking to me." Yeah whatever... You know what I miss? Being able to talk to her about what is bothering me. Being able to know that she is there for me emotionally and physically. Knowing that when I wake up the next morning, she is laying right next to me. Knowing that she wants to be with me and will yell at me for making her late to work. Knowing that when I look into her eyes, I see that spark of happiness. Knowing that it is okay to feel that spark of electricity when she touches my hand. Knowing that it is okay to have that feeling where I want to kiss her because she is feeling it too.
But, she's not mine. Nor would she ever have been. Nor will she ever be.
Here's to relationships... again.

Friday, November 03, 2000

In the past 4 or 5 days I have not posted anything up, things remain changing. I've figured out what I wanted to do with my life. And that is fairly substantial to me. It belittles everything I have ever done... and that frightens me. Throw aside all of those relationships I have been through. They are nothing compared to what I want to do with my life. And that is to just write. I just want to write novels, books, articles... maybe even a screen play. I don't know... but I am sure I want to write.
Moving onwards, I can't be in an emotional relationship anymore. I can't put myself in that position anymore... so I won't. So, is it so bad being in a physical realtionship? I don't feel any emotional support other than friendship. So, is it really bad? Nah... its a lot of fun...

Sunday, October 29, 2000

wow. it has been a very long time since I posted anything up. But, in my thirteen day sabbatical, I managed to find the girl of my dreams, love her, and lose her. Isn't that some crazy shit? Yeah.. too bad my dreams change to accomodate the nightmare of a life I lead. she's worth it, so why am I not with her right now? It is all too complicated. I wish I could understand. But I don't. And I don't know if she does.
She is such a great person. I didn't even have the intent of liking her. The truth is that she liked one of my friends and came to me for advice. And that's how it started. And where are we now? We make each other extremely mad. We are constantly at each other's throat. It is almost like we are dating. But we aren't. This is insane.
Maybe I should drink heavily and wait for me to do something stupid to solve this problem of mine.